Not as good as it seems to be

Times like this were made to
make me hate myself.
Things are better now than
they have been in a long a time
and I can’t get it right.
I can’t help feeling bad.

I dig the stupidity of things’ smallest details
to give myself what to worry about
what to feel bad for.
Fears grow in my chest out of nothing
and I can’t shake them.
Thoughts, they just spring inside my head at night
keeping me awake.
Melancholy and hopelessness recently started
stalking me.
Not to mention my head that hurts worse each day.

Am I being karma fucked again?
Like, after so many times worshiping chaos
I just can’t get along with good times anymore?
Do I have some inborn brain condition that
doesn’t allow me to enjoy what is mentally healthy?
Can anybody give it all some sense?

Forget it! Give me no answer!
I’ll endure the good times by myself
- as always -
no matter how good they’re
or how weird I’m.