Alarms

08:00 AM

My phone rings
I answer it and hear
a lot of noise, a lot of voices
on the other side
and my students start talking in a choir
“We’ve already learned everything, teacher
thanks for your help, but you’re no longer needed
feel free to sleep forever, if you want to.”
then come my friends and they say
“we’re gonna be alright, things are working
perfectly and we will kinda miss you but
it’s ok, you can rest in peace”
At last but not least
my family says that they’ve taught me all they
had to and that I’m free now to
live without them and my mother whispers
she loves me and that she knows I’ll be just fine
sleeping.

I gently close my eyes, feeling comfortable
Ready to sleep until

08:02

The phone rings again
now it’s god
saying he was only joking
I can’t escape from my obligations with
other people nor with me

I start running in circles
Inside my head
I get lost, I get mad
despair lands on me
I curse, I call him names
I disgrace life and everything else
I… I… fall

08:05

Another ringing
mixed with the cicada’s buzz
sunlight breaks into my eyes
my cat stares at me
my head hurts
my body is heavy
and oh shit
I’ve got no time for it
better wake up
or I’ll be late

There are people waiting for me.

Not as good as it seems to be

Times like this were made to
make me hate myself.
Things are better now than
they have been in a long a time
and I can’t get it right.
I can’t help feeling bad.

I dig the stupidity of things’ smallest details
to give myself what to worry about
what to feel bad for.
Fears grow in my chest out of nothing
and I can’t shake them.
Thoughts, they just spring inside my head at night
keeping me awake.
Melancholy and hopelessness recently started
stalking me.
Not to mention my head that hurts worse each day.

Am I being karma fucked again?
Like, after so many times worshiping chaos
I just can’t get along with good times anymore?
Do I have some inborn brain condition that
doesn’t allow me to enjoy what is mentally healthy?
Can anybody give it all some sense?

Forget it! Give me no answer!
I’ll endure the good times by myself
- as always -
no matter how good they’re
or how weird I’m.

Adagio

01:56 Am

I’m sitting in the kitchen

while everybody else is asleep

listening to Mozart

and eating an apple

even my cat is absent

02:13

still in the kitchen

listening to Mozart

staring at the computer screen

dull content all over internet makes me bored

my cat came by

ate a bit

and went away

02:29

Mozart keeps playing

my ass had taken the chair’s shape

my eyes are tired

my head wants a break

but I’ll wait

some more.

02:42

I turn off the computer

get up of the chair

and go to bed.

Allegro isn’t coming

again.

Small things

You’re alone at night
sat in your veranda
facing the cloudy sky
stars refused to show
moon didn’t want to shine for you
but wind blows harshly cold
there’s no one you can call
no one you can talk
the air is freezing you inside
then you light a cigarette
and put all your hopes on it
because people told you to find pleasure in small things.

It’s a cigarette
smaller than 10cm and a hell of a delight!

Words like water

I’ve got this faucet of words inside me
That has been over control
for a long time.

Usually
it only lets words
dribble.
A
drip
every
now and then.
But right now the inner pressure is getting too high
and as I see the time has finally come to loose it
so the words will come in a gush and wash away
the anxiety and anguish towards future
the remaining spots of faded memories
the fear and laziness, boredom and carelessness
break the wall of pessimism where I lean my head.

Writing.
Writing is the way to ease my soul
and clean my path.

Night

Many have suited her
in a mysterious dress
adorned with obscurity
which obviously
makes her beautiful.
But all that mystery and obscurity
Is only behind their eyes.
I see night as a naked woman
- The first one I loved -
With star shaped sparkling spots
all around her body.
And I often penetrate Night
get lost between her arms!
where I feel better
where I have all my best thoughts.


Night is the Lady who has told me
all the worst and best news of my life
who has fed me with inspiration
when I was struggling to write
who watched me drinking sadness down
until I passed out
who swallowed all the cigarette smoke
I blew on her face
without saying a word.


while all the others were sleeping
relaxing having sex
there I stood
all for her
the glorious crazy sexy woman who took
my sanity away
bit by bit
and is with happiness that I say
she still does.

One easy pieces

Sometimes I can go like
2 hours laid in bed
staring at the ceiling
and listening to Chokebore
LOUD.

Not sleeping
barely thinking
more like emptying my mind
with tons of flowing thoughts.

After I get up
I have some coffee along with one or two
cigarettes
and then I’m ready
- weightless -
Let it all come again.